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PAG-AMPING


                I have been single since the day I was born. In my teenager days, I give my full focus on studies. Elders were saying I was too young to engage in a romantic relationship, that there will be a right time for it, and that a love that is meant for me will find me.  And I believe all of those.




                In those days, even though I instilled the value of patience into my mind, I still couldn’t help myself in the feeling of being lonely. I saw a lot of people in my age enjoying relationships, a romantic one. Some even manage to pull inspiration and motivation from it. And I envied them. I wished to have one.

                After then, I found myself in the midst of desperation. I even prayed to God to give me a girlfriend. You’re right, a friend with a girl as its prefix.

                I did the hunt but not the kill. I mean that’s the nature of men since then, but I couldn’t complete it. I don’t know what reason behind. Maybe I’m just too serious on the thing. Maybe I still have to acquire more skills of hunting. Maybe I’m not enough, and here inferiority complex kicks in.

                Inferiority complex. Though I was thinking that I might I have this complexity and thought that it’s all in the mind, I still can’t get myself out of it. Inferiority complex is a real deal. Insecurities and all the stuffs that made me look so small were on my sight. I couldn’t focus. They’re blinding.

                No matter how hard we try to see ourselves as a wonderful and a unique creation, there would always be negativity clothed void in our sight. But it’s up to us which one we would like to have more focus with. So which one would you give your focus? Because me, I'm happy with my choice.


Here’s my story,

                Back then, I was eyeing on a girl in school. I prayed for her. I even claim her in the name of Jesus. I mean, that’s what I’ve learned in my religion classes and in the community i belonged. Ask anything in the name of Jesus, and He will give it to you.  I was like a total fool. I was crazy and it’s embarrassing. It took me a long time to realize that I was praying a selfish prayer.  Along the way some thoughts struck me. Maybe it’s an instinct of losing or whatever you want to call it. Hence, I changed my prayer.  And it goes like this;


Lord, I really want the 
best for this girl. 
But if I am not the best, 
please make me at least 
worthy of her love.

                What a stupid prayer, right? I still wanted to cling on a vague hope. But that’s the best prayer I could think for myself. 

                  And again, it took me a long time to realize that I am losing until I heard that she’s already dating someone else. I was broken-hearted. I cannot really describe what the exact feeling I felt. I just wanted to leave the world behind without a trace in that instant. And now, i realized that feeling was dangerous.

                Now, I can’t help myself but laugh recalling the experiences of the younger version of me. I even managed to be mad at God at those times. I thought He is being unfair because I was not being short of prayers. And if I prayed in that way, I thought God would really give me exactly what I’ve prayed for. But now, I am more than grateful on everything. His will would always prevail over everything.

 For his thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are our ways His ways. Since heavens are higher than the earth, so are His ways higher than our ways and thoughts than our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

               Even though God did not give what I wanted to have. I am more thankful because I know He is preparing something better for me. As what they say, God will not only give us what we desire but also what we deserved. For that reason, in my end, I will continue to strive more to be called deserving of God’s overflowing blessings.

              So, if we cannot get what we wanted to have, if someone rejects us, if someone refuses what we offer. Its okay, it’s alright.  That really ain’t a bad thing. We may not understand it instantly, but sooner or later we will.

              Just think of a five year old you asking candies from your parents. You’re too eager to eat sweets but your Mom won’t let you to. She would only give you sweets after you eat your meal. And maybe, at some point, we think that was mean. We couldn’t understand why we should eat that meal they prepared when we wanted candies. And that five year old you now started crying.

              So you see, it is easy for us to whine and complain on the things we didn’t understand. But that doesn’t give the people who cared for us and God a pass on standing up in love and doing what’s the best.

             Now, if you are single and longing for a love of your life. Please join me in the pursuit of knowing what really LOVE is. Please do not rush and pretend its love when you can’t even figure out every emotion you felt. By these, you can minimize or even get rid of the damage of broken relationships. Otherwise, you can hurt yourself or worse, you can cause pain to that certain person you thought you were in loved with.You won't like that. That's not pleasant. 

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Cristian M. Nadunsa




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