AMGO

“What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person”, a quote from the novel “Paper Towns” by John Green. 

Well, I haven’t really read the novel per se but only watched the movie adaptation of the same. The movie made me realized something significant in my life as a single person.

I used to be a living-in-my-expectation person, and still am.  And yeah, disappointments are inevitable. Back when I was a fresh grad in HS, I was expecting that college would be that easy but it turns the other way around. 

 There was also a certain point in my life when the idea of feeling in love made me fool.

I was placing me in a delusion of having a girl that qualifies the standards I set.

 But in everything I saw and perceived at first, would always be followed by this three letter word “BUT” then come reality at the end.

An ideal girl, in the ideal world with an ideal attributes, that would basically made me happy if I’m with. This girl was just a stranger until I saw her ID, add her on facebook, and have chat with her. 

I have a lot of this getting-to-know-her opportunity, and guess what, “BUT”.

First break is on her facebook profile, I thought it’s all there but not. It turns out that this girl was not into facebook but more on twitter thing. So I follow her on twitter and it helped me know her a little until I was blocked. The reason of why I was blocked, it’s for her story to tell. 

Second is our mutual friends, back on those moments I wasn’t really in the business of denying myself that I am admiring this girl. She knows and our friends know. So there, I asked my friends about her.

Third is my own observation. Since we were classmates in a class, that class would take one and a half hours per day, two days per week. I even memorized how she speaks, how she laughs, and how she make cute out of herself. 

"But"

Among all opportunities available, there’s one I couldn’t do. That’s to speak with her in person. I always have this feeling of having my tongue tied in front of a girl I liked. The only thing I can manage is to have an awkward smile. I don’t know what the real reason is. I don’t think it’s the “Torpe” thing they called. I believe there is some term there available for that, but if there's none, then so be it.

After all, I don’t really know her. Maybe I know “about her” but not “her”. Since I couldn’t afford to speak with her, I missed the chance of knowing “her”. I don’t know if she has bad breath or if she snores when she sleeps. I couldn’t see her eyes closer when she speaks. I don’t have any idea how she smells and everything. I missed the chance of knowing her soul.

Since I missed all of those, the only thing I have on my grasp is the “idea of her”, an idea that might be true or might not.

 I believe it would be more deceiving to believe that that actual girl is exactly the same with the ideal girl I was and am seeing. Now I think it is right to just loosen my grip on that ideal girl and start looking for the real one.

 Time flies so fast and I am left behind. There’s more important to do in this world than just fantasize on things I can’t even possibly have.

 I would just stick on what Quentin said that everyone gets a miracle. Maybe not to win lottery, marry royalty, or make a last-second shot. Miracles are just in front of every people seeking it. The trick is to notice.

Life is so big for me to be stuck at the corner of my deceiving mind. There’s so much to explore; amazing adventures, meeting exceptional people, and make indelible memories.

 I would just have this seek-find-seize-let go cycle.

 Seek what makes me happy, find it, seize the moment I have with what makes me happy, and let it go.

Some times we thought that letting go is a sad thing, but actually it’s not. Letting go makes us grow. Letting go would lead us to the thing that is better for us. Maybe the reason why we think letting go is a sad thing is because we are too used to it.

We’re too comfortable with that something that we

can’t afford to lose it.

But as what they say, if we want to grow, we must get out of our comfort zone. A comfort zone can be deadly. It can cage us inside a mediocrity box. And maybe it is now too late for us to realize that something is wrong.

Paper Towns was a great work. Thanks to John Green and all the staffs behind the movie adaptation. Without them, these realizations would never reach me.

Cristian M. Nadunsa

October 16, 2019